Swimming

I went for my first proper ocean swim a few weeks ago since recovering from pneumonia. Those weeks where I couldn’t take a simple breath, that I felt like a furnace to touch and I sweated every memory of my life out of my body. I chose the coldest day of April because I still haven’t grown up. Where the water hit the back of my neck it sent a sharpness through my cortex I couldn’t turn off, no more than ten strokes without stopping. My eyes even stung. What used to flow without thought took every effort. This is the worst it’s going to feel, I told myself.

I went back today, fully prepared for another round of failure, almost welcoming it. It’s not a secret to me that I don’t like when things are easy, I like to work for it. That's not always a good thing. Today was warmer though, and I found myself counting internally, “1, 2, 3 breathe”, the familiar feeling of cutting the water with the side of my hand, the slight curve of a body against a current wrapping up against me. And there it was, it felt exactly the same, I felt exactly the same. Open water, only a few thoughts, counting strokes, head rising to check position, lungs working again.

I can’t say what draws me, I try not to overthink the one thing I do without overthinking. Sometimes it’s beautiful, like moving through cool silk, other times it’s the frenetic energy of swimming with or against full waves (the Atlantic does them better, but the Pacific can give a good show). Maybe it’s always impossible to explain what you love, you can’t write words for the feelings it releases in you. And it has to be a physical act. When people call you crazy, you know you might be, but it would be crazy not to want to feel that. And it has to be the ocean, not the chlorine blandness of a generic community pool, nor the trussed up version, an infinity pool - it has to be the ocean. It has to be being followed by a group of seals at Wreck Beach, it has to be midnight swims, it has to be the coldest but stillest swim at sunrise, it has to be sand in your hair 5 hours later. And today it was realizing how easy it was to be back again. Back home.